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The Dead Princess

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With or Without You [10 May 2009|12:21pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

I am reeling under the weight of some kind of permanent decision made about my relationship with certain unnamed boy.

It's easy to just cut someone off from your life, but how do you continue to go on if you actually can't cut them off? There is a summer to heal, but I don't know that I want to return in September and not feel anything anymore. I miss you already, I miss you already, so much. Will you ever truly understand this? Yesterday I spent an entire day with you and we had the best time. I literally have not had that much fun and felt so connected to someone in such a long time. You opened me up slowly over the last few months without even knowing. And all I want to do is bury myself in your loving arms and breathe with you. Your lips on my neck, your fingers stroking my arms...I could have died last night and been so completely unbelievably happy just the way we were and never needed anything more.

How can two people have such chemistry, such an emotional connection, and yet be so unbelievably unsuited for each other logically? How could this have happened to us? I'm some sort of temptation that you can't have too close to you. You have to "get over me". And what is going to happen to us? I want to believe we can still be good friends but I actually don't know if that's possible. Because this physical thing is such a big part of how we are around each other. I don't want to have to stifle myself. Actively putting an end to this feels like the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I don't want to not see you. I don't want to lose you. It may sound dramatic, I don't care--I feel like I've actually said goodbye to you forever. Because we can never hug again the same way. If at all. I can never kiss you--I CAN NEVER KISS YOU ON THE CHEEK AGAIN because it would be too hard to stop. I feel like my body is revolting against me and I feel like I'm breaking.

I think it's just as hard for you. And maybe this is the best thing for both of us.

I wish you the ultimate happiness in everything you ever do. Whoever you marry is the luckiest girl in the world. But it could never have been me. So I guess I don't know why we even let it get this far. It was just so hard to stop.

I could write you all the most beautiful poetry in the world to justify my kisses. But if I do that I will break even more. But where do I put all of it? Tell me, where am I supposed to put all of this inside me, this overwhelming love and passion for you, how incredible you are, how much I want to be part of your life forever...? Tell me, where??

I love you.

Comments: follow the neon in young lover's eyes.

Funny [17 Mar 2009|03:16pm]
So I've come back after God knows how long.
Thought I'd write a little something.

I can't believe how quickly time actually passes. I'm looking back four years and seeing so much. I still feel somehow stuck in that place. Of course, it doesn't help to be home, surrounded by all those memories. Walking through my house I can name all the places we were...and my body doesn't forget...speaking aloud instead of writing lets me really get to the core of what's going on in my mind. It's a little bit of an angry, frustrated, lonely, scary place at times, yet so full of excitement and so very much HOPE. I hope so much. Too much?

School is amazing. It's giving me so much. There's still so much to learn and see and do.
Comments: follow the neon in young lover's eyes.

NEED THE STABILITY the sash broke you meet someone because in the end [15 Apr 2008|12:47am]
[ mood | anxious ]

I don't completely have anything down. I'm going to have a breakdown heart attack. I need to breathe. And...just remember that after tomorrow is over, it will just be out of my control and over with...the light at the end of the tunnel is Saturday, last Yellow Party, the love I have for my Yellows, and MV. And summer. The beach. I really have the worst spring fever issues.

I'm really excited about a few things in my life, though, which make it harder to concentrate. But I can do it. I can do it. I become acrobatic. I can do it. So I dive down and skim the surface of the water. I'm...spray in my face. I'm...a speedboat kissing the water so I rocket straight up five, ten thousand feet in the air, past the hole in the ozone, into a new bunch of stars, until I'm in a totally new nighttime...!

I better wake up this time! I am setting my alarm extra loud.


Comments: follow the neon in young lover's eyes.

You scoundrel! I remitted the whole of your debt when you appealed to me! [22 Mar 2008|07:21pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

Hahahaha I'm HILARIOUS. Hilar, really.

This Michael Krass project has me all confused. I'm totally buggin'.
Andrea and I just bought candy. :)

NYU is going really well. I'm sort of nervous for the ending of the semester. Only five weeks until my freshman year of college ends and then I'll be the forgotten sophomore and I'll get my tonsils out and...I keep getting ahead of myself. Concentrate on the now.

I think its for the better that I don't see him anymore. I'm trying to not think about it. And of course, writing about it is not helping.

It's always hard being home because I'm often confined to my thoughts with no escape. Not that I always want to leave my thoughts, but when they become very tormentuous its often better to get away from them because they've turned harmful rather than helpful. At school its so much easier to focus on other things, and so I'm glad to be going back.

Much love,

Comments: follow the neon in young lover's eyes.

Life. [03 Jan 2008|04:08pm]
[ mood | drained ]

NYU friggin' rocks. I can't believe I'm doing this. Like, this is my life. Happening. Now. It's amazing.

I had the best night last night with some of my best gals. And I feel this abundance of love inside me that I just want to share with everyone. And I don't know what's come of me. Or maybe I do.

And you, you...what to do?
All of you.


Comments: follow the neon in young lover's eyes.

AHH! [09 Jun 2007|04:25pm]
[ mood | dirty ]

Everything is happening...I am so scared about my future. What if I can't deal with the whole work-all-the-time-because-you-need-money-for-NYU thing? I know it was my choice and I shouldn't complain but I am lamenting the fact that most leisurely activities are now impossible. I think that's why I really miss Wildwood. I got to just RELAX and have fun as a last weekend of awesomeness. I paid a good deal for the whole weekend (the apartment, food, alc) and it was in some way justified. I couldn't go back if I wanted because there is no way I could justify spending that much money again even though I know a lot of people who are considering it.

One thing keeps bothering me about Wildwood and I think that also has to do with my wanting to go back, do it again, but better and differently. I don't mean to say I necessarily have regrets, because I try to stay away from those, but I do wish I had not said certain things, hit on certain people (hah awkwardness), or drunk dialed certain people...at least I can pretend I don't remember that last part.

I really need to go out tonight. My mom isn't going to be home until 2:30 am. I NEED TO PARTY. ANYONE??? I shall make a Facebook appeal.



Comments: follow the neon in young lover's eyes.

All I wanna do is have some fun, I got a feeling I'm not the only one... [04 Sep 2006|10:42pm]
[ mood | predatory ]

Boys are stupid, especially when they totally lead you on and take advantage of you. But its okay, cuz I'm a hott piece of ass and he can't have me. And I have secrets. :)

So now that school is...is...you know...
Summer is dying and I have to spend as much time with it as I can. I have to stay up late, feel the sun on my skin, sing outrageously old school music, eat sinfully good things...it is almost as if it is the end of the world. Suddenly I have the urge to have a passionate love affair...who with, I shan't tell.

I just wanted to mention, that although barely anyone reads this, Colleen Kelsey is my bestest friend and she is absolutely amazing. Backstreet's back, alright!!!! And sometimes I run, sometimes I hide... And if you wanna go and take a ride with me smoking L in the back of the limousine... :)

RIP Steve Irwin, you were one of the good guys. :(

Peace and love,

ps. I'm so ready for drama. I heart Patriot Players. I'm so psyched!!!!!

Comments: 1 x eyes are open - follow the neon in young lover's eyes.

This song is so weird. [10 Jul 2006|01:02pm]
[ mood | happy ]

If you've ever heard this song, it is so strange. But somehow you can't stop listening because you love it.

I just wanted to publicly post that ITALY WON THE WORLD CUP!!!! Effin yeah. That's right, baby; suck it, France!!! :)
Despite France's better plays and Italy's constant ball-chasing, it all comes down to that one French guy who fucking sucked at the shoot out. Viva Italia!

Other news.Collapse )

All you need is love, Love is a many splendored thing...

Comments: 6 x eyes are open - follow the neon in young lover's eyes.

Stay-ay-ah! Just a little bit longer! Please, please, please staaay! Cmon tell me that you're gonna! [08 May 2006|10:02pm]
[ mood | content ]

I love chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, I love chocolate, it's my favorite thing!
Andrea and I once wrote and choreographed a musical about chocolate. It was so sweet. Literally.

Enough of that silliness. "This sketch is too silly."

Aaaaaaaah I can hear Hawaaiian breezes blow!
Aaaaaaaaah it's from California!
(Even so!)
How am I to thank you?
Kindly let it pass...
Would you like a slice?
That might be nice, but frankly, it would give me gas.
So we will leave it here, not to eat, but see!
A pineapple! For me...
From me...
Aaaaaah aaaah! Aaaaaah aaaaah!

Random free train of thought. Worried about other people sometimes because I want to warn them but I can't because everyone has to test their limits and make their own mistakes. Happy with life in general and enjoying colored pencils. You know something that I discovered today? My mom is really the coolest. She tells it like it is--doesn't sugar coat anything...she's always been supportive of me, and she's always been there to provide me with valuable advice and life lessons. I'm really a lucky kiddo.

Never noticed just how full of sugar marshmallows are. Melonade!
The end.

Comments: 3 x eyes are open - follow the neon in young lover's eyes.

I've seen fire and I've seen rain... [23 Apr 2006|10:47pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Today is the last day I will ever be sixteen years old. Ever. Another year has passed and I cannot believe the changes that have taken place within that year. I've thoroughly examined myself by now and I honestly can say that I feel as if I've grown into a better person. Hopefully others can agree.

Over the past year I've lost friends, gained friends, lost a love, gained a love...I've gone from wanting to major in Musical Theatre to only desiring a minor in it, perhaps even just theatre arts or drama, and now I feel like my focus is on English and teaching, specifically British Literature and Medieval Studies. I have gone from wanting desperately to study at NYU to opening my eyes to Boston University. I have gone through so much pain and heartache and so much excitement and butterflies. I've done some things that I never thought I would, some that I regret, some that I don't. I've been hurt by people I thought were friends, and I've been amazed at just how caring my friends can be. And as of tomorrow I will be starting a new year of my life, what I consider my own personal New Year, and hopefully I will make the best of it.

Here's to being Sweet Sixteen. Today was a gorgeous day. I'll miss it.


Comments: follow the neon in young lover's eyes.

Couldn't resist. [26 Feb 2006|11:43pm]
[ mood | happy ]

This is crazy. I'm so happy. This is amazing. Thought I'd share. It's public, yo.

Yeah, I'm really stressed out about school, especially English. Mrs. Manzar is on the shit list for the time being. I think once drama and the third marking period is over, life will be okay. I hate to say it, but I'm not really enjoying myself at drama, which is a sad, sad thing. I blame it on the tension and "drama drama", as well as the increased stress of school. I hope I don't get sick. :\

Life is...nice, though. I really enjoy the relaxation that I get when I'm with Joe; he helps me a lot.

I had a banana Bertie Bott's bean today...it was really good. Oh, and I bought Milanos. And hair gel. Thank god, moose is a royal pain in the ass.

A møøse once bit my sister...No realli! She was Karving her initials on the møøse with the sharpened end of an interspace tøøthbrush given her by Svenge - her brother-in-law - an Oslo dentist and star of many Norwegian møvies: "The Høt Hands of an Oslo Dentist", "Fillings of Passion", "The Huge Mølars of Horst Nordfink"...


Comments: follow the neon in young lover's eyes.

Now, Oola dance! [28 Nov 2005|02:48am]
[ mood | stressed ]

Call me crazy but answering this particular essay question really put me in a philosophical place. All possible puns and/or cliches aside, what is the meaning of life? Ancients used to believe that it was to serve their gods. Many people still believe in man as a servant to a divine being. But obviously, I'm not too into that. So what am I meant to do? I like to think I'm meant to bring people happiness, to give to others and to make some sort of an impact on someone that may help them better their lives. It frustrates me to think of life as insignificant, as the Dragon in Grendel suggests. According to him, everything man does makes no difference in the end--when the apocalypse comes, everything will be destroyed and nothing that we do now will mean anything. It's so depressing, no? But at the same time, the Dragon does say that our world is only "a ripple in Time's stream". The earth is about 4.6 billion years old. My lifetime is such a small part of that. It's mind blowing when you get into all of that stuff. The universe's vastness--how insignificant we really might be in the grand scheme of things. For some reason I'm reminded of Monty Python. Hm. *Ponder, ponder.*

My room is a HUGE mess. I'm SO tired. I am going to FAIL this physics test tomorrow. I've already got a case of the Mondays. Fucking Mondays. I'm so stressed out its not even funny.

And as far as the LL goes: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I think I'm going to wait until the end of junior year, no matter how badly I don't want to, to even look at a guy like that. Even though I saw this really cute guy working at Starbucks today in B&N...he had the cutest smile and I felt one of those connection thingies. If it had been another time and maybe if I was another person, I so would've said something to him. haha. I'm such a nervous wreck when it comes to guys. haha.

That is all. <3

Comments: 2 x eyes are open - follow the neon in young lover's eyes.

Lean on me when you're not strong... [19 Nov 2005|12:26am]
[ mood | upset ]

I'm...attempting to be numb. To everything. I don't know if I'm looking forward to the cast party. Or even waking up tomorrow. Jen Tropia, I love you.


There's so much I could say about drama, but I won't. I love it and I think we did a great job the past two nights.

We could've been friends had the circumstances been different. And I'm now going out of my mind.


Comments: 5 x eyes are open - follow the neon in young lover's eyes.

Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids... [10 Nov 2005|02:07pm]
[ mood | mischievous ]


I am SO confused right now. About a lot of things. I feel like the world is spinning around me so fast and I'm caught up in so many different feelings that I'm becoming dizzier every day. Every moment I think about it all I don't know what to do. I just want to do what I want--to make myself happy and feel good. I kind of wish that I wasn't always worried about hurting people, or that I didn't always wonder what people thought about me. I wish I was naturally a genius so that I wouldn't have to work my ass off so much. But I will stop wishing because its not going to do anything.

If I can get this DBQ done, maybe we actually can hang out tonight!

ps. I am being tortured...take me now.

Comments: 1 x eyes are open - follow the neon in young lover's eyes.

"You're over me? You're over me?? When were you...under me?" [03 Nov 2005|12:46am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

Premier called me tonight and asked me to to Scrooge. I can't, but I said I'd call them tomorrow anyway. Its nice to think about doing a show. I'll do it next year. Don't let me forget!

So Governor's School...can you say "#*$@!"? I'm so confused, so confused. Anyway, a few interesting tid bits I'm sure you're all dying to hear:
-I totally beat out Ben Kahn in physics on that last quiz, biotches.
-I am totally going on a trip tomorrow for Latin Immersion Day!
-I totally am stressed out about props already.
-I love vitamin water.
-I'm starting to hate trig.
-I love my rank.
-I got asked out by two people in the past week: a friend and a friend's ex.
-I can comfortably and accurately hit a high C#.
-I STILL LIKE _______.
-I am totally psyched for finding a prose piece. Anyone wanna help?
-Ballet is hard shit to learn at 16.
-I am totally making $80 on Sunday for an 11-7 shift at the one, the only, Bellia's Stride Rite. Totally awesome.
-I totally say "totally" too much. Wow.

Love always,

Comments: 1 x eyes are open - follow the neon in young lover's eyes.

Remember to let her into your heart, then you can start to make it better. [29 Oct 2005|05:10pm]
[ mood | busy ]

So the week went by slow at times, but altogether mildly quick. I'm feeling pretty good in the academic department, hopefully I can bring my B+ in English and whatever the hell I have in Physics up (hopefully up to somewhere in the B range). I found out my rank and GPA for Governor's School apps, and it looks good. I'm impressed with myself, and I really desperately hope I can keep it up! *prays*

College Fair on Thursday. I'm so confused all of a sudden. I don't think I realized the possibilities out there and the reality of a lot of things. I thought I had, but every second reality slaps me again. I'm pretty anxious about college, and extremely nervous. Its not really just college--its my career. I really want to make money performing. I want to be able to be working in the theatre at all times, whether I'm doing tech or singing ensemble or belting a ballad in the spotlight. All of them are amazing to me, and if I could be so fortunate to do those for awhile without starving/being evicted, I'd be the luckiest ever.

Last night was awesome, thanks to everyone. And tonight should be awesome, too! :)


Comments: follow the neon in young lover's eyes.

Love me, that's all I ask of you. [22 Oct 2005|10:32pm]
Hmmm. Things lately have been so confusing. In short, my life is like my room: a mess. Could be worse, but its pretty messy to me. I've decided that I really can't continue with forensics, and that I have a few other sacrifices to make. Things change, relationships change, and you can't try to stop them.

On the front of my journal there's a phrase, "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." The cover is really pretty, it makes me feel kind of peaceful and also ready to spill out my feelings.

It takes a lot out of me to be active in a conversation or to enthusiastically have an interest in something. I'm getting more tired faster, and I'm falling asleep earlier as sunset comes earlier. Life is slowing down, and the weather is putting a damper on what's already dissolved of myself.

I don't even have enough emotion to think about what to be for Halloween. Which sucks, because I've always adored Halloween. I guess the novelty of being the "Wicked Witch of the Wireless" is pretty much nothing without the Wizard. Everyone's making plans for Halloween and I kind of just want to stay in. I'll probably do homework.
Comments: 3 x eyes are open - follow the neon in young lover's eyes.

I would do anything for love, but I won't do that! *guy runs away with Dr. Pepper* [19 Oct 2005|11:14pm]
[ mood | okay ]

That promise you made me doesn't include a hug, does it? A shoulder to cry on? I didn't think so.

So apparently Doc P loves me and I've got a B+ in English; downside is I found out today in history I went down two points because I got a, um, C on the last test, hah. Oops. No worries.

Holler if you like getting all snuggly in bed under warm covers!

Ravi, you're mad tight (is it possible to ever exhaust that phrase?). Thank you.

ps. Oh, I have to pack my ping pong paddle, etc for tomorrow, biotches!

Comments: 3 x eyes are open - follow the neon in young lover's eyes.

ooh la la [09 Oct 2005|12:49am]
[ mood | happy ]

Michelle's surprise party went AMAZING!!! I was so stressed out about it, but we pulled it off and it turned out great! Thank you SOOOO much to everyone who helped :)

Comments: 6 x eyes are open - follow the neon in young lover's eyes.

Motionless wheel, nothing is real... [06 Oct 2005|11:53pm]
[ mood | restless ]

New icons! Palin from velvet_pirate and Jeff/Steve lobster dance from zoicite. I love how I can simply look at the pictures and laugh my ass off.

Ugh, watched the Wedding Planner accidentally. What a crappy ending.

Ummm. I'm tired and stressed out. What else is new? I don't know what I want anymore.

Cast off on October 24th!
ps. Picked up Son of a Witch = yay!

Comments: follow the neon in young lover's eyes.

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